You Can Run But You Can't Hide
Giving honor to GOD, who has always been the head of my life. All glory goes to him and only him. As a child, my grandmother raised me in church until I was old enough to make decisions on my own. Once I reached 16 I quit going to church as often. I strayed and started running the streets, clubbing, partying and doing things that many teenagers do at that age. At age 16 I was diagnosed with seizures that were dangerous and potentially deadly because I would have them in my sleep. For years my family sent me to all kinds of doctors, such as neurologists, seizure specialists, heart and brain specialists to see if there was any medicine that could get my seizures under control. We were also trying to figure out the cause. I went from medication to medication and doctor to doctor. You would think somebody in my situation would want to change or slow down, but I didn't, I kept doing me.
I did what my friends did even though I knew better. I did it to fit in with the crowd. I started smoking, drinking and staying out late at night. I used that as an excuse for not going to church Sunday mornings. I got caught up in the street life and did a lot of things that I'm not proud of. I was involved with people that were in the street life and was exposed to lots of negativity. Instead of me gaining book knowledge I was gaining street knowledge. I missed jail time and death plenty of times. in the clubs I frequented people were always shooting and it often had me scared, not knowing whether I would make it home or not. I didn't have any business there. I saw many shot and killed because of a fights breaking out and people started shooting.
God gave me plenty of signs that he wanted me to slow down. My first one was when I was doing a tilt/table medical test and my blood pressure dropped below fifty. I started sweating, had dizziness, was light head and wasn’t responding. They eventually got me stable and I started responding. Because of my epilepsy they told me I couldn't have children but GOD proved them wrong, I got pregnant at nineteen. I was scared since I was in the world. I didn't know if I was ready to be a mother. I couldn't raise a child; I was still a teenager with dreams of traveling the world. I was selfish and only thinking of me, not the human that didn't ask to be here.
I went to the abortion clinic one day in Jackson, MS and it’s a day I’ll never forget. A preacher met me at the door told me "baby the father forgive for all sins you don't have to do this” I started crying. I had carried a lot of hurt in my heart for years. My parents didn't raise me as a child and sometimes I wondered why I still loved my parents instead of hating them. I realize they just did what was best and let my grandmother raise me in a stable home with love. But I still had hurt I carried and unanswered questions. I went back into the examine room and one of the nurses saw I had been crying and said "baby would you like to hear your precious baby heart beat?" I told her “yes ma'am I do.” When I heard it the nurse said “baby you don't have to do this that's a blessing growing inside of you; some women can’t have children.” I got up and ran out of the clinic. I had a beautiful baby girl at the age of twenty.
Over time I lost a lot of friends but it was okay because God let them leave my life for a reason. I slowed down but I didn't fully come out of the streets. My pastor and his wife warned me numerous of times that it wasn't for me and neither were the men that I dated; I was headed down the wrong path. They told me GOD had forgiven me and he heard my cry, just go to him. I was told my character in the bible was Esther, a powerful virtuous woman of God, that stood on His word and waited for when He wanted her to move because He talked to her. God rebirthed her, she was precious as a diamond. I still didn't slow down and while not obeying God I got sicker and my life got worse. I started having seizures back to back, I would come out of one and go into another.
I got into an abusive relationship even though I knew with my sickness I didn't need the stress. I cried plenty of nights and smoked to calm down. I had a gun put to my head by a man I loved because he was cheating and didn't want me to leave him. Even though he was putting me through all of that I kept putting up with the cheating, lies and abuse. In 2012 the stress was heavy on me, I was lost and didn't know if I was coming out so I decided to try to take my own life. I ended up surviving because of His grace and mercy and He wasn't done with me. I had a purpose but just didn't understand what it was that He wanted me to do. I continued running from God but not once did He ever leave my side. When I was a child I had visions of stuff before it happened, I should have known then I was special.
One night I was about to go out to a club with some friends and my daughter cried “mommy, please don't go.” The look she gave me was the look of hurt and pain when you need your mother to choose you and not the streets. I went out that night and saw someone get shot, cry out for his life and die. That night I cried and told God if he got me out of there I would never step foot in a club again. I never did. That was another sign from God I overlooked because I was still running and wasn’t ready to give up my lifestyle.
Things didn't get any better, my boyfriend got more abusive, physical and verbal. I thought plenty of nights of hurting him because of all the pain and hurt I took from him but I knew I needed my freedom for my daughter. I finally took my last horrible beat down from him and left. I realized it wasn't love. I got out of the relationship but still was stressing over him and still doing a few things that wasn't right. June 2015 I was in the bed with my daughter and I had pain from my chest to the bottom of my stomach. I crawled to the bathroom and threw up. While I was throwing up I realized it was mixed with blood. I put my daughter in bed with my grandmother and drove myself to the hospital. When I arrived to the hospital I fell out and wasn't really responding. When I finally came back to myself they told me if wouldn't have come in time I could have died. My gallbladder was about to bust.
They didn't understand how someone with my condition as a seizure patient in that much pain drove herself to the hospital but I knew who it was that drove me, it was God. He kept me and held me in His arms for His name sake because I had a purpose. My surgery was supposed to last only 25 mins but it lasted over 2 hours and I lost over 25% of blood. Instead of me going in there with my eyes on God I went in there scared and worried about stuff and people that weren't worried about me. God didn't have to show me anymore signs. I told Him if He gave me one more chance to do His will I’d follow him. All I wanted Him to do was lead me to His path of righteousness.
He showed me wonderful people in my life that had always been there when I was going through my trials. I have always had a wonderful church family. l did away with old friends and He gave me things and blessings abundantly. He started back talking to me and showing me how to do His will by putting Godly women in my life. He showed me the way I should go because the way I was going wasn't for me, He didn't design me for hell. He made me special just to do His will but I had to go through trials to make it where I'm at now. I know God still isn’t done with me. I'm still rebirthing and when he is done I’ll be beautiful as a rose. Psalms 46:5 “When God is within her she will not fail.”
A lot of nights I cried out to Him, thinking I was alone, but I found out He never left my side. I am stronger now. I'm a wonderful mother and l love being a mother. When I think about all the events in my life, she was the best one that ever happened to me. God gave her to me to make me a better me. I never want to see her cry and I'm going to set great examples and their going to be Godly ones. I never want to see that disappointed look on her face again. God helped correct every mistake I made in life after coming to Him and now I have life more abundantly. He’s opening doors that once were closed in my face.
I have a wonderful relationship with my mother after the devil told me I wouldn't. What I learned from all of this is to go into prayer, no matter what your going through or what you have done. He will forgive, He is a forgiving God. I'm glad God is using me as a vessel for Him and hope my testimony helps another person that's lost and doesn't know what to do. There’s a solution, go to God, He will supply all of your needs and more. He can do anything but fail. I was scared to tell my story because of what people would think or say but that doesn't matter anymore I'm doing the work of god and my past made me a better person. He saved me before it was too late and I refuse to look back. There’s greatness with God, you will find peace and everything else you need. If your chosen and have a purpose, stop running. It’s a wonderful feeling to know God. I hope my message blessed you in some way from the messenger. Be blessed!!
